The World Doesn't Owe You Anything

I am so sick to tears of people's pissy ass mood swings! I am sorry if your life is ubber sucking right now dear, I really am, but don't take it out on me. Newsflash: you have got no one else to blame for your short comings but yourself. So why don't you quit moping around like a bitch ass pussy loser and start trying to solve whatever problem you have and repair the relationships that you have near ruined with your stank ass attitude. No one should have to walk on egg shells around you to keep you happy. This crazy world we live in waits for no one. You have to take the initiative and get serious and change what you don't like about your circumstances yourself. So if you were waiting on someone to come up to you and pat you on the back and say in a goo goo baby voice, "Awwww, what's the matter little girl? I'll fix all your problems for you and make all perfect again since I feel so bad for you," you're going to be waiting a long damn time missy. And if you think that people are going to kiss your ass to keep your spirits up, you're dreaming again. Life lesson: The world doesn't owe you a damn thing; it was here first!

Yo Quiero Taco Bell (I Get a Chihuahua Pup Instead!)

Yay! Finally people are starting to keep their promises to me. I am no longer getting the two Jack Russell pups that found their way to our door due to the fact that my father said that he didn't want the dogs this morning, and by the time he decided that he wanted only one of them and made his way to the animal shelter, both dogs had been adopted. However, while he was at the shelter he happened to see a little black and white Chihuahua dog that he fell in love with and adopted it on the spot. The dog will be released to our vet tomorrow morning for them to get all the dog's papers and stuff on file and give it a bath. We are scheduled to pick up our baby at 9AM tomorrow morning! We have also already made an appointment for him to be neutered on the 29th of this month. I am so elated! I love animals and I am happy I am getting a dog. It will be nice having one around the house again. We haven't had one in over 2 1/2 years. I may not be getting the dogs I had originally planned on getting, but at least I am getting one. Oh, 9AM can't come fast enough now!

I'm Glad

I'm glad that it's so easy for you to lie to me.

I'm glad that MY needs and hopes don't matter to you.

I'm glad I'm always the butt of your jokes.

I'm glad that I'm your caretaker and you aren't even thankful and you'd never admit it to my face because you don't have the guts to.

I'm glad that you hate me because I want more for my life.

I'm glad that you think I'm nothing and talking to me is a waste of time.

I'm glad that you bitch to me about everything under the sun.

I'm glad that you always bully me into feeling guilty for asking for your help.

I'm glad that I move to D.C. in a couple of months so I don't have to look at you for at least 4 whole months.

I'm glad that you are supposed to be my support system but you only try to tear me down to the ground.

I'm glad that I embarrass you because I'm not in law school already.

I'm glad that I am left to my own devices to fix my broken heart.

I'm glad I'm not a winner in your eyes.

I'm glad you always told him when you swore you wouldn't.

I'm glad you threw me under the bus to protect her and her.

I'm glad that you think that you're the only one on the planet allow to feel.

I'm glad you always complain to me.

I'm glad you waste money on shit you don't need.

I'm glad that your job and that damn phone is more amazing than us.

I'm glad that when I enter a room you always look for a way to leave.

I'm glad that I don't matter to you.

I'm glad that I'm "fat" and in need of "toning up." Thanks for noticing, really.

I'm glad that I spend too much money even though I hardly ever leave this hell hole of a house.

I'm glad that all the pressure you two put on me to be perfect has caused me to develop a defect of the mind.

I'm glad that in high school when I was forced to leave my best friend behind because of bad choices she was making, you just stood back happily and applauded and said, "I told you so."

I'm glad and utterly thrilled that I had to leave my job (after years of abuse that I took so that I could help pay for the household) and work a retail one that didn't pay enough, which eventually led to me losing my apartment.

I 'm glad that when I needed you the most you bitched and moaned about helping me after I had spent my whole life listening to you like "a good girl toy soldier."

I'm glad that your favorite place to take me is down guilt trip lane.

I 'm glad that I cry myself to sleep so many nights thinking about all that has happened to me as a result of living under this roof.


In the end I KNOW in my heart that all this struggle and pain hasn't been for nothing. I will rise from these ashes and be a better woman from all that I have been made to endure. I will get back on my feet. I will beat whatever this negativity is that has a strong hold on me and my mind right now. I won't be this broken human specimen forever. I will change the world with my story and inspire and influence others to crawl from the clutches of dark despair and join the birds in the sky to soar beyond their wildest dreams. I am determined to make my journey count for something and maybe serve as a beacon of light for at least no less than one other hurt person. I will make my own path a yellow brick road.

A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song. -Maya Angelou

I'm not getting my dogs.

I knew it was too good to be true.

Another Sad Love Song

Okay so here's the deal, the vet at the shelter has found out that only one of the puppies is fixed (the boy), but the other one isn't (the gal). They shelter won't release the girl until she is fixed, and they can't spay her until Wednesday of next week. :( I am bummed because I can pick up the guy tomorrow but will have to leave his sister behind until next week! I really don't want to do that because 1.) I don't want to separate them since they are siblings and have always been together, 2.) I have other animals already at my house and I want to introduce them to the dogs at once so they can start bonding with both the pups at the same time, and 3.) I don't want either of the dogs to start to think they will not see the other one again and start to adjust to life without the other.

I really don't want either of the dogs in the shelter til next week either, but it seems I may have no choice. I will leave the guy until he can come home with his sister. However, I am going down to the Lake County Animal Shelter tomorrow morning and try to plead with the director to let me schedule an appointment with my vet for the girlie dog to be spayed (so the director can see that it will get done and the dog won't get pregnant and contribute to the population), and maybe she will let me take both dogs home tomorrow. I pray that is what will happen. I am so damn pissed at this whole situation because it seems that nothing ever goes the way I plan, damn it!!

HATEFUL

I have been so disgusted over the recent killing of late-term abortion doctor, George Tiller. Tiller was gunned down in Wichita, Kansas at his church, where he and his wife were ushering, Sunday morning (May 31). And keeping true to coward nature: the gunman then fled. Tiller was one of the few doctors in the country who provided late-term abortions (A late-term abortion often refers to an induced abortion procedure that occurs after the 20th week of gestation. However, the exact point when a pregnancy becomes late-term is not clearly defined. Some sources define an abortion after 12 completed weeks' gestation as "late." Some sources define an abortion after 16 weeks as "late").

Tiller had been providing this service to women in need for over 3 decades. In his over thirty years of practice he had been threatened, protested against, and attacked numerous times. He was shot in an assassination attempt on his life in 1991. Tiller's Women's Health Care Services clinic is one of just three in the nation where abortions are performed after the 21st week of pregnancy. The clinic was heavily fortified and Tiller often traveled with a bodyguard, but was no indication of security at the church Sunday. Even the President was disgusted. President Obama said he was "shocked and outraged" by the murder. "However profound our differences as Americans over difficult issues such as abortion, they cannot be resolved by heinous acts of violence," he said.

Scott P. Roeder (the gunman) faces a charge of first-degree murder and two counts of aggravated assault. Roeder, 51, made his first court appearance this afternoon in Sedgwick County District Court. Scott Roeder has been charged with one count first-degree murder and two counts of aggravated assault in connection with the George Tiller shooting death. Roeder also was ordered to have no contact with the two men he is charged with pointing a gun at after Tiller's shooting on Sunday.

This story is tragic because of two reasons: 1.) it was political in nature, and 2.) various people publicly said that they agreed with Roeder's actions. Watching these ignorant, back woods, hickish, uneducated, slimy, trashy, self righteous assholes made me sick. The Kansas residents that they interviewed immediately following the incident said that, "Tiller reaped what he sowed," "he was a murderer who got what he deserved,""he needs to burn in Hell," "I'm glad he was killed for having taken so many lives," and all this other hateful and crazy crap. One of the men had like only 5 teeth for goodness sake's! These people who said these horrendous things are lower than dirt!

First off, no one has the right to take a life because of someone's political views. It's very sad, but yes, abortion is no longer an issue of a woman's personal health, but rather a political issue. Second, late-term abortions are usually only performed for health reasons. When the life of the mother is in immediate danger or she's facing a miscarriage, that is when late-term abortion becomes an option. A woman just doesn't waltz in the door of the clinic at 8 months and say something like, "I don't think I fancy having this baby anymore, and I'd like one of your doctors to take care of it for me please." No! That is not how it happens. Having a late-term abortion is a heart-wrenching decision for any woman and her ob/gyn to have to make. Late-term abortions are not done by free will people! Women have to have legal paperwork from their doctor and state government stating that it needs to be done in the best interest of her health in order to get a late-term abortion. So all of you ignorant know-nothings need to go back to school or crack open a damn book and learn something before you speak!

And what got me is that it wasn't just people who were uneducated, trailer trashy losers saying this stuff, there were people with law degrees in nice business suits saying this type of stuff too! Public officials were saying things like, "both the gunmen and the good doctor are equal because they have both got blood on their hands." I wonder where their degrees came from?! Probably from the local city college. Fucking lemmings. Tiller was providing a legitimate medical service to clients no different than heart surgeons and fertility doctors (wait, these "righteous" people are probably against fertility doctors too...). And all us Christians know that to hate, side with assassins, and say you hate someone and you're glad someone is dead is so Christian. These same morons are the ones who are avid supporters of the death penalty. Go fucking figure!

Dreamland

I had a weird dream and I hate that. Here lately, whenever I have a nightmare or a strange dream, I wake up like still in a daze and confused. Foggy minded. It takes me a couple of minutes to figure out that I am awake and this IS real and that what happened in my head was JUST a dream. It's like the lines between my reality and dreamland are skewed. I have to wait until my brain can bring me back to reality. I know, it's very disturbing. I think the panic disorder or my drugs I take to fix the panic, is what causes it.

Anyways, I have realized that over the last couple of (a big couple of) blogs, I have been writing about my panic disorder and anxiety. That bothers me because I totally don't want my blog to be about panic disorder. My blog is about my life. I want my blog to be about ME. And ME is not panic disorder (well, not all of me at least lol). I don't want this to absorb my life or my blog. I don't want to always depress my readers who do suffer from anxiety, panic, bipolar, or any other mental disorders. And I don't want my regular readers to start to think I am crazy (well, crazier than need be:) So beginning right now, I am setting a new goal to go ten whole post without mentioning my anxiety/panic issues. So ten starts after this one.

Moving on, I called the Lake County Animal Shelter today, and they said that I can pick the dogs up at 10AM on Thursday, 6/4/09! I am so excited! Those little Jack Russells are the cutest things. Come to find out, one's a boy and one's a gal. The white and brown is the female and the black,white, and brown one is the male. My family has been trying to decide on names for the dogs every since this morning. I like Roxy for the girl and Mater or Tater for the boy. My sister likes Billy for the boy. My dad likes Omega for the girl. So I don't know what their names will wind up being lol!

Also, I spoke with my supervisor for my internship program in D.C. She said that there is a good chance she can get me morst or ALL of the money I need for the program and the move up there through scholarship (I have my fingers crossed for ALL of $). The total cost is $5,580 by the way. That is a lot to be paying out of pocket, especially in these hard economic times. I am also still holding out hope that the internship on Capitol Hill will be a paid position too. However, I kinda still like the idea of working for a federal agency like the EPA or Federal Trade Commission too. So, I don't know what I am going to do. Capitol Hill has best connections and networking opportunities, but then again, the Federal positions have the best chance for me to land a job with great benefits.

So if you're in to that sort of thing, just say a little prayer for me. For everything: the anxiety, panic, D.C., the internship, the tough decisions I have had to/have to make, the relationships I am dealing with, and the insomnia.

With Love,
Gabby