Curly Top

Today, well, yesterday, since it's now after 12AM, I went to the hair salon with my mom and sisters and I got my hair curled again (I have a leisure curl that I get touched up and reapplied every 3 months). It looks sp freaking fabulous! I love when I get fresh curls! But before I went to the hair salon I made a short trip to Office Depot to have an official request for copies of my transcripts sent. We have a fax machine at our house, but it's been out of commission for awhile. When you graduate from my university you get two free official transcripts along with your degree. I needed to send a transcript request form to receive mine early because I can't wait the six weeks to get them in the mail due to a deadline I have to meet for the Washington Centre (the institution responsible for scheduling my internship on Capitol Hill).

I had to wait for a bit in the line to get my stuff faxed because some lady who didn't have her shit together and didn't even have the right fax number to send her stuff with, was in front of the line holding up everybody in the world (she eventually was made to leave because she couldn't figure it out). Anyways, when the Office Depot associate finally got to me I realized that I recognized her from school. I used to be in middle school band with her and she graduate from my high school 3 years before me. She looks pretty much the same, fair skin, thin build, three gold hoops in her ears, pretty lips, but now her hair is light blonde instead of auburn like it was when we were in school together. She's had a baby too, but you can't tell by looking at her though. After I told her where I knew her from she was like, "I thought you looked familiar." She rung me up, congratulated me on graduating college and my internship in D.C. this Fall, and then I was on my way.

I felt pretty good today as far as my anxiety goes. However, towards the end of the day I began to feel anxious, get a little dizzy, experience depersonalization, feel flushed, and feel that feeling of impending doom and like I was going to die. I especially hate that last symptom. The impending doom and death feeling. It's a real bummer and scary as hell. You know, I was just thinking today while I was driving home from the salon and those bad feelings started, that I was never told by my physician exactly what it is that I have. He just told me that the two nights I rushed myself to the ER thinking I was having a heart attack or dying, I just had really severe panic attacks. He told me a have a problem with anxiety, gave me some prescriptions for pills (50mg of Pristiq and 10mg of Buspirone ) and that was that. He never said you have GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) or you have Panic Disorder. I have been back to him on several occasions for check-ups and all and he has never told me. Maybe I should ask him on my next appointment.

I now take 100mg of Pristiq once a day and 10mg of Buspirone twice a day. I had always assumed that I just had GAD, but as I have been getting more involved with http://www.dailystrength.org/ (a social networking site where people dealing with any sort of problems ranging from anxiety and Bipolar Disorder to shopping addiction and deep vein thrombosis, talk, give support, and share advice with each other), and as I read up on the types of anxiety disorders myself, I am now beginning to think that I have Panic Disorder because the physical symptoms are right on. I do always fear another attack of some sort, and when I feel panicky or worried my heart does the irregular beats and palpitations, my palms get sweaty, I get dizzy, I feel as though nothing is real, depersonalization kicks in, I get a headache and sometimes even irritated bowels (yuckie, I know).

A lot of times I wonder why this had to happen to me. I don't understand it. I mean I know that everyone has their own cross to bear and that there are people out there in this crazy, fucked up world who have challenges and shit to deal with way worse than what I have to deal with, but it just doesn't seem fair to me that there are people who are completely "normal" (and by normal I mean without physical, emotional, or mental disorders/disabilities), and I just wonder why couldn't I have remained one of them. I used to be "normal." I miss those days. Yes, I know I am whining like a little bitch, but i don't care because I'm hurt, frustrated, and angry at my present predicament. My friend Heather who suffers from BP II and PTSD put it best, "It's like my world has been painted in different colors, and nothing will ever look, feel, or be the same ever again."

There are bad, mean, suckie ass people in this world who live happy and without a care in the world. I am a good gal who tries to do right by everyone, treat people good, rescue stray cats and dogs, go to school to make something out of myself so I can contribute to society positively, and then I get stuck with this lame ass mental disorder and it really sucks. I have tried to rationalize it by saying maybe I wasn't good enough for God, like maybe I didn't go to church enough, I didn't pray hard enough, or I wasn't a strong enough believer and that's why he let it happen. So everytime I listen to a song on my MP3 with vulgar language or when I use a curse word, I wonder if that is just adding on to my struggle by displeasing God. I am Christian girl who wants to please God, and these are the types of thoughts and fears I wrestle with in regards to my anxiety/panic disorder.

Okay, enough about that depressing shit already. I am going to Daytona to see my baby today! I am so excited to be with him. He loves me and treats me so good. I feel so amazing when I am with him. Can't wait! :)