Panic With Me Please

I just had the worst panic attack I have had since my very first one nearly a year ago (I wonder if subconsciously the anniversary of the panic coming up soon could have something to do with this attack). It was just as scary as the first one, and even though I knew that it was a panic attack in the very back of my mind, I still freaked. What the hell is it about these things that makes a person think without a doubt that they are dying?!!? When I am having an attack I just KNOW that I am spending my last few minutes on Earth and that I am going to die in a matter of seconds. Then I start to picture all the people I love in my head and I wonder what they're gonna do without me.

The thoughts going through my head are ones like: "Oh my God, I am really gonna die and be dead like all those other people I hear about on the news." "I am going to take a ride in a long black hearse." "This is it, I am really gone." I then picture people all the peopleI know at my funeral and I imagine myself in the coffin. Anyways, it's really fucked up. It must sound so crazy I know, but those are the thoughts racing through my head at light years speed. Death is such a surreal thing for most of us. People always have this feeling like they are never going to die and death is something that happens to other people but never to them. Those thoughts and feelings of death are the worst part of a panic attack to me; it's even worse than the pounding and racing heart beat and the extreme heat flashes inside my body.

After a panic attack can be just as devastating as during it. The feelings of unreality and detachment that start when you are having the attack get even stronger after the attack is over (at least for me it does). I also feel really weak, tired, nauseated, foggy minded, and cold and clammy after the attack too. It usually takes about 5 hours for me to kinda start to feel normal again (God knows I haven't really felt normal for almost a year now though).

The panic attack woke me up from my sleep. That was a new experience. I found out that panic attacks are even more startling and scary when they wake you up from a deep sleep. I was just standing in my room totally freaking out with the room spinning, aura colored dots appearing all in my vision, my heart racing and pounding in my sore chest, my labored breathing, death thoughts, and my hot flashes. I tried talking myself down but damn it, I couldn't focus long enough for it too work. I then tried turning the shower on my face but that didn't help either. I finally had to go and find my dad to help me calm down. He was in his bathroom getting ready to shower...I opened the door on him...that was an even bigger shock than the panic attack coming while I was sleeping. Good thing I was too focused on me dying to notice he was naked. There's always a bright side to everything I guess :). When I have panic attacks I don't think straight so of course knocking was out of the question. I was dying remember?

Anyways, he threw on his robe and came out and helped me calm down by reminding me it was only panic and anxiety and that I didn't need the hospital because I wasn't dying or having a heart attack. He also stayed up and watched TV with me for an extra hour until both he and I were sure I was okay. It is so embarrassing to have to have your father help you feel better like you're 4 years old again, but I was really thankful he did. He is starting to try to be more understanding and tolerant of my...condition or whatever, and I am so very grateful for that.

Thinking back on what may have triggered this, I think it may have been the spicy and salty foods I have been eating in excess lately. I will definitely have to stop using those foods again. I just started eating them again recently because I have been on a diet for the past year. So that may have a lot to do with it. Salt, sugar, and caffeine have all been known to trigger panic attacks and anxiety. I am going to try to go back to bed now and relax. I'll write more later.

xoxoxo,
Gabby